I make myself laugh. It's embarrassing to admit - but I think I laugh more in my head than I do out loud. Sometimes I even make myself laugh at pretend conversations I have with others. Today, I was writing a friend and I laughed, snorting loud enough for the poor secretary outside my door to hear. While her computer faces the entire office, I'm safe in my little room - to do as I please. Anyway, I'm sure she was anything but happy that I was enjoying myself while she did meanial tasks.
The point of my email was encouragement that success is how you define it. I said:
You will eventually figure out what it is you're supposed to do. My
whole life I thought I was meant to be a mother. I anxiously awaited
the day Spence was born and I could become a stay-at-home mom. That
time came and I felt like I had fallen into a black hole. I felt
trapped. Although that feeling eventually passed, the reality that I
was not a good stay-at-home mom continued to persist. The fact that
what I had always wanted turned out not to be anything I wanted was
difficult.
Eventualy, I realized that success isn't defined by how much you have in your savings account much less the job you get out of college. I've learned to
take the little things as success - I've kept my child alive for
almost 3 years, I haven't yet killed my husband, and I had clean
underwear to wear this morning.
It made me realize that, truly, it's the little things.
Looks like I'm back to my random posts while I try to get a cute clip of Spence singing downloaded. My iphone refuses to allow me to post the entire video, so I'm working on it! Until then....
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I Made It 1 Year
It's official. I made it one year. One year in this chair.....
One year of early mornings, daycare drop-offs/pick-ups, frantic dinners, dirty laundry, and dusty floors. If I'm honest, the laundry and floors would happen regardless of where I work (home or not). Housewivery (is that a word?) is not my strong suit. Apparently neither is office organization - do you see that desk?
Anyway, we've been in St. Louis for over a year as well. It's still been hard to make couple friends. Our neighborhood is looking like a great prospect and Jarrod recently had several guys get hired in his department that he really likes. So far though, it's mostly just the Taylor Trio hanging out (which, in honesty, I often prefer). Living in a large city does have it perks: awesome parks, tons of children's activities, ridiculously nice shopping, fun concerts. Still, I miss Huntington. Why many would ask? Jim's of course! Just kidding - I miss my friends, my screened-in porch, MY PARENTS (and other family), Chick-fil-A playdates, 3 day a week working......
On another note: Jarrod takes Level III of the CFA this weekend. Please PRAY LONG AND HARD that he passes. His practice tests have been borderline and he's starting to worry. Even if you don't like Jarrod - maybe you like me - or at the very least Spence - and Spence deserves for his daddy to pass! :)
Finally, Spence's 3rd birthday is coming up and I just have to show you the invites. I think they're precious.
Now I feel like I should say something off of the Price is Right.. "If you are in the St. Louis area and would like to join our celebration, please email or call for party information." Oh how I miss Bob Barker.
On that note - time to do some actual work (or finally get 3 stars on Level 5-17 of Angry Birds)! Love to all!!!
One year of early mornings, daycare drop-offs/pick-ups, frantic dinners, dirty laundry, and dusty floors. If I'm honest, the laundry and floors would happen regardless of where I work (home or not). Housewivery (is that a word?) is not my strong suit. Apparently neither is office organization - do you see that desk?
Anyway, we've been in St. Louis for over a year as well. It's still been hard to make couple friends. Our neighborhood is looking like a great prospect and Jarrod recently had several guys get hired in his department that he really likes. So far though, it's mostly just the Taylor Trio hanging out (which, in honesty, I often prefer). Living in a large city does have it perks: awesome parks, tons of children's activities, ridiculously nice shopping, fun concerts. Still, I miss Huntington. Why many would ask? Jim's of course! Just kidding - I miss my friends, my screened-in porch, MY PARENTS (and other family), Chick-fil-A playdates, 3 day a week working......
Enough nostalgia, it's making me sad. My brother visited over the Memorial Day weekend and I had such a great time. We took Spence to the Magic House and he and Jarrod got to go to a Cardinals game and sit in the Edward Jones luxury box. Not bad! My brother helped me take down Spence's crib :( (cue the tears) and we set up his toddler bed - his reward for peepeeing and poopooing in the potty. Spence LOVES it!
On another note: Jarrod takes Level III of the CFA this weekend. Please PRAY LONG AND HARD that he passes. His practice tests have been borderline and he's starting to worry. Even if you don't like Jarrod - maybe you like me - or at the very least Spence - and Spence deserves for his daddy to pass! :)
Finally, Spence's 3rd birthday is coming up and I just have to show you the invites. I think they're precious.
Now I feel like I should say something off of the Price is Right.. "If you are in the St. Louis area and would like to join our celebration, please email or call for party information." Oh how I miss Bob Barker.
On that note - time to do some actual work (or finally get 3 stars on Level 5-17 of Angry Birds)! Love to all!!!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
When I Said Busy....
From reaching the end of the internet to failing to have time to ensure clean clothes, our lives have gone from SLOW to BUSY! In the past month alone, I've taken 8 plane flights. So, here goes a long-winded, not very exciting update:
First, I went into the woods. Yes - truly - into the woods on a business trip. It consisted of nats, sleeping in cars, and hiking. I wish I was kidding. Then, I came home and frantically made food for Caroline's baby shower. She is having girl #3 in July and Allison and I (really Allison) threw her a baby shower followed by a surprise retirement party for Linda. It was the first time all of the grandkids had been together in awhile which was fun!
The following morning, at 3:30 a.m., we got up and left for the airport for our much-need beach vacation in Charleston, SC. The house was a perfect little bungalow just a block off the beach. Spence LOVED the sand, despised the water, and is still fascinated by the dead jelly fish we found. It was great having my parents there and Clint even made a quick visit.
We returned to the beach and then Jarrod and I left the next weekend for Clint's graduation. It was so incredible to see all the people who knew and loved my little brother! Professors actually knew him. :) I went to college for 4 years and I GUARANTEE not a single professor knew my name on graduation day. I don't have pictures but, needless to say, it was a great time. I stayed on in NC for 3 more days for another business trip and was SO READY to be home by the end of it all!
Fnally, the next few weeks Jarrod is busy studying for Level III of the CFA exam on June 4th! He's been very deligent and, although Spence and I miss him, we're proud of his good work ethic! In order to stay out of Jarrod's way, Spence and I have had busy weekends. This past weekend, we went to the zoo on Saturday and a birthday party on Sunday. It was Spence's first adventure in bowling and he loved it! Lets just hope he doesn't dream of making the PBA.
We're still waiting for visitors to show around St. Louis. If you're reading this, that means you! And yes, that's an intentional guilt trip. XOXO
First, I went into the woods. Yes - truly - into the woods on a business trip. It consisted of nats, sleeping in cars, and hiking. I wish I was kidding. Then, I came home and frantically made food for Caroline's baby shower. She is having girl #3 in July and Allison and I (really Allison) threw her a baby shower followed by a surprise retirement party for Linda. It was the first time all of the grandkids had been together in awhile which was fun!
The following morning, at 3:30 a.m., we got up and left for the airport for our much-need beach vacation in Charleston, SC. The house was a perfect little bungalow just a block off the beach. Spence LOVED the sand, despised the water, and is still fascinated by the dead jelly fish we found. It was great having my parents there and Clint even made a quick visit.
We returned to the beach and then Jarrod and I left the next weekend for Clint's graduation. It was so incredible to see all the people who knew and loved my little brother! Professors actually knew him. :) I went to college for 4 years and I GUARANTEE not a single professor knew my name on graduation day. I don't have pictures but, needless to say, it was a great time. I stayed on in NC for 3 more days for another business trip and was SO READY to be home by the end of it all!
Fnally, the next few weeks Jarrod is busy studying for Level III of the CFA exam on June 4th! He's been very deligent and, although Spence and I miss him, we're proud of his good work ethic! In order to stay out of Jarrod's way, Spence and I have had busy weekends. This past weekend, we went to the zoo on Saturday and a birthday party on Sunday. It was Spence's first adventure in bowling and he loved it! Lets just hope he doesn't dream of making the PBA.
We're still waiting for visitors to show around St. Louis. If you're reading this, that means you! And yes, that's an intentional guilt trip. XOXO
Monday, May 9, 2011
Mother's Day
It's been a busy few weeks for the Taylor Trio and, unfortunately, it will contine that way for at least the next week and a half. Two weeks ago, I was travelling for work, trying to pack for vacation, and helping throw a baby shower/surprise retirement party for my sister-in-law and mother-in-law. After an exhausting week, we left for the beach last Saturday. It was a great time with my parents (and brother). Pictures and more details will follow! Now, I'm in town this week but we leave Saturday for Clint's graduation and I have to stay in North Carolina for a meeting with clients. I'm exhausted just typing it.
Since I don't have any pictures uploaded, I decided to write a quick note on the most recent event in our lives: mother's day.
I'll preface this by saying that Jarrod completely failed this year. While he's usually thoughtful and romantic, this year was an exception. There were no presents, dinners, or even cards. We did our weekly Sunday morning breakfast at Winslow's, followed by church, and a visit to his parents to see his sister and her family before they returned to Colorado. By night's end, I considered it a present to go to Whole Foods by myself.
In all honesty, I'm completely torn by the whole Mother's Day thing. I feel some sort of guilt that mother's day should be a day I enjoy my family (more specifically, my child). But, when I think of a day that is TRULY for me, I just want to be alone! :) Okay - maybe not alone but at least doing adult-things with adults. In the end, my guilt wins and I spend the day with Spence.
Jarrod and I talked about this and I think he gets it. I love Jarrod's mom and loved seeing all of them yesterday. However, on mother's day, I think Jarrod (and not necessarily me) should be with his mom - if she WANTS him. If not, I think Linda and I should be able to do whatever it is we want.
For now, I'm sure my guilt will continue to win out until I can convince a friend to support my no-child mother's day and we can collude to spend it doing adult things. Ideally that would include: eat breakfast with Spene and Jarrod, go to the spa ALL DAY, come home and take a nap, watch everything I want on my DVR, read Spence a book before bed (note: he has already been fed, given a bath, clean pjs on, and sheets changed), and go to sleep. Jarrod: take note. :)
Since I don't have any pictures uploaded, I decided to write a quick note on the most recent event in our lives: mother's day.
I'll preface this by saying that Jarrod completely failed this year. While he's usually thoughtful and romantic, this year was an exception. There were no presents, dinners, or even cards. We did our weekly Sunday morning breakfast at Winslow's, followed by church, and a visit to his parents to see his sister and her family before they returned to Colorado. By night's end, I considered it a present to go to Whole Foods by myself.
In all honesty, I'm completely torn by the whole Mother's Day thing. I feel some sort of guilt that mother's day should be a day I enjoy my family (more specifically, my child). But, when I think of a day that is TRULY for me, I just want to be alone! :) Okay - maybe not alone but at least doing adult-things with adults. In the end, my guilt wins and I spend the day with Spence.
Jarrod and I talked about this and I think he gets it. I love Jarrod's mom and loved seeing all of them yesterday. However, on mother's day, I think Jarrod (and not necessarily me) should be with his mom - if she WANTS him. If not, I think Linda and I should be able to do whatever it is we want.
For now, I'm sure my guilt will continue to win out until I can convince a friend to support my no-child mother's day and we can collude to spend it doing adult things. Ideally that would include: eat breakfast with Spene and Jarrod, go to the spa ALL DAY, come home and take a nap, watch everything I want on my DVR, read Spence a book before bed (note: he has already been fed, given a bath, clean pjs on, and sheets changed), and go to sleep. Jarrod: take note. :)
Monday, April 18, 2011
I Snorted When I Laughed.....
Having been both a stay-at-home and a "working" mom, I often get sent articles about balancing home/work life. Today, I received a link to this blog post. In the midst of the Monday blues, it actually made me laugh until I snorted. I'm sure my coworkers think (or at least have confirmed) that I have clearly lost it. The langugage isn't as clean as it could be but I think all of you moms (both working from home and working away from home) will enjoy!
"Last week a study came out which showed that working moms have sicker kids than stay-at-home moms. Almost immediately, the stay-at-home moms turned the study into a 500-page scrapbook project which they used to pummel working moms with. Then working moms retaliated by sending their secretaries out to staple all of the stay-at-home moms' nostrils shut. Or at least, I suspect that’s the kind of “mommy-war” crap that the media probably expected would happen.
In real life, however, almost everyone ignored the study because both the stay-at-home moms and the working moms were too dang busy to waste their time criticizing the personal decisions of fellow mothers. In fact, pretty much the only people who paid attention to this at all were the mothers-who-are-way-too-concerned-about-what-everyone-else-is-doing-because-it-distracts-them-from-all-the-crap-they’re-personally-failing-at.
Still, there are some new mothers who have fallen for the ridiculous idea that mothers are at war with each other, and who feel conflicted about making the decision to go back to work or to stay at home after having children, so I’m going to give you the lowdown of both options so you can decide for yourself.
The PROS of being a stay-at-home mom: You don’t have to shower until noon. If your child is under 6 months old, you can watch zombie movies and The Big Lebowski all day and they totally won’t care. Pajamas are your new uniform. You’re always home to sign for packages. You get to see all the cool things your kid does all day. Your kid isn’t exposed to the petri-dish of germs that is daycare. You feel like Donna Reed. You don’t have to deal with that bitch at work anymore. Your partner thinks you’re amazing. You have the quiet satisfaction of doing what’s right for your children.
The CONS of being a stay-at-home mom: You don’t have time to shower ever. If your child is over 6 months old, you have to watch really crappy kids TV all the time and you have weird sex dreams about Thomas the Train. All of your pajamas have bodily fluids on them. And not the good kind. You accidentally show your boobs to the mailman/cable guy/next door neighbor. You realize that your kid is boring and/or a jerk and you can never escape from them. You want to knife Donna Reed for making it look so easy. You irrationally shout, “STAY-AT-HOME MOMS ARE WORKING MOMS” every time you read an article like this and then you shake your head and wonder how you got like this. You feel so lonely that you actually start to miss that bitch at work. Your partner wants to rest after a long day of work and they don’t understand that you need to rest too and they say something like, “Why? What did you do all day? This house is a wreck” and then you have to go to jail for stabbing them in the shoulder. You find that prison is a pleasant break from being a stay-at-home mom. You secretly worry that you’re making the wrong decision.
The PROS of being a working mom: You get to escape from the insanity of motherhood for 8 hours a day. You have more disposable income that you can spend on family vacations and classes. You can afford to put your child in a Portuguese-immersion daycare that will give him a huge advantage in school. You have an experienced nanny/child-care provider to give you advice and help raise your child. You can belt out that “I can bring home the bacon” song and totally mean it. You are able to keep up an active social life, which makes you a happier, more focused mom when you're home. You have the quiet satisfaction of having both a successful career and family.
The CONS of being a working mom: You miss eight hours a day of your child’s life. You spend your entire paycheck on concerts to see The Wiggles. Your child is fluent in a language you can’t even speak. You have a nanny/childcare provider who is constantly telling you how to raise your child and occasionally your child calls her “mommy.” When “Cat’s in the Cradle” comes on the radio, you fall to pieces and everyone in your office hears you crying the ugly cry. Your kid is sick every other week from all the germs at daycare and your boss makes you feel like crap for missing work to take care of her. You end up using all your vacation days getting thrown up on in the pediatrician’s office. Everyone in your house gets lice. Twice. You’re so exhausted that you can’t accomplish anything and you feel like you’re failing as a parent and as an employee. You secretly worry that you’re making the wrong decision.
In the end, only one universal truth remains: You’re going to doubt yourself no matter what you do, but whatever decision you make is probably the best one for your particular family. Also, eventually everyone gets lice. That’s another universal truth but not necessarily one anyone ever talks about.
PS: If you’re a working mom still pissed off about the sick-kid study, then you need to take a deep breath and calm down. Yes, the study implies that children of working moms are four times more likely to be poisoned but that doesn’t mean you’re the one poisoning them. Honestly, who has the time? I barely have time to cook dinner at night, much less plan a poisoning. My guess is that your children are being poisoned by stay-at-home moms who are retaliating after having discovered that you are secretly encouraging your sick children to lick all the playground equipment just to level the sick-kid playing field. Honestly, I can’t say I blame them.
PPS: Dear media: The paragraph right above this one? That’s how you start a mommy-war."
http://thestir.cafemom.com/baby/116998/lesson_12_working_moms_vs?fb_ref=post_bottom&fb_source=home_multiline
"Last week a study came out which showed that working moms have sicker kids than stay-at-home moms. Almost immediately, the stay-at-home moms turned the study into a 500-page scrapbook project which they used to pummel working moms with. Then working moms retaliated by sending their secretaries out to staple all of the stay-at-home moms' nostrils shut. Or at least, I suspect that’s the kind of “mommy-war” crap that the media probably expected would happen.
In real life, however, almost everyone ignored the study because both the stay-at-home moms and the working moms were too dang busy to waste their time criticizing the personal decisions of fellow mothers. In fact, pretty much the only people who paid attention to this at all were the mothers-who-are-way-too-concerned-about-what-everyone-else-is-doing-because-it-distracts-them-from-all-the-crap-they’re-personally-failing-at.
Still, there are some new mothers who have fallen for the ridiculous idea that mothers are at war with each other, and who feel conflicted about making the decision to go back to work or to stay at home after having children, so I’m going to give you the lowdown of both options so you can decide for yourself.
The PROS of being a stay-at-home mom: You don’t have to shower until noon. If your child is under 6 months old, you can watch zombie movies and The Big Lebowski all day and they totally won’t care. Pajamas are your new uniform. You’re always home to sign for packages. You get to see all the cool things your kid does all day. Your kid isn’t exposed to the petri-dish of germs that is daycare. You feel like Donna Reed. You don’t have to deal with that bitch at work anymore. Your partner thinks you’re amazing. You have the quiet satisfaction of doing what’s right for your children.
The CONS of being a stay-at-home mom: You don’t have time to shower ever. If your child is over 6 months old, you have to watch really crappy kids TV all the time and you have weird sex dreams about Thomas the Train. All of your pajamas have bodily fluids on them. And not the good kind. You accidentally show your boobs to the mailman/cable guy/next door neighbor. You realize that your kid is boring and/or a jerk and you can never escape from them. You want to knife Donna Reed for making it look so easy. You irrationally shout, “STAY-AT-HOME MOMS ARE WORKING MOMS” every time you read an article like this and then you shake your head and wonder how you got like this. You feel so lonely that you actually start to miss that bitch at work. Your partner wants to rest after a long day of work and they don’t understand that you need to rest too and they say something like, “Why? What did you do all day? This house is a wreck” and then you have to go to jail for stabbing them in the shoulder. You find that prison is a pleasant break from being a stay-at-home mom. You secretly worry that you’re making the wrong decision.
The PROS of being a working mom: You get to escape from the insanity of motherhood for 8 hours a day. You have more disposable income that you can spend on family vacations and classes. You can afford to put your child in a Portuguese-immersion daycare that will give him a huge advantage in school. You have an experienced nanny/child-care provider to give you advice and help raise your child. You can belt out that “I can bring home the bacon” song and totally mean it. You are able to keep up an active social life, which makes you a happier, more focused mom when you're home. You have the quiet satisfaction of having both a successful career and family.
The CONS of being a working mom: You miss eight hours a day of your child’s life. You spend your entire paycheck on concerts to see The Wiggles. Your child is fluent in a language you can’t even speak. You have a nanny/childcare provider who is constantly telling you how to raise your child and occasionally your child calls her “mommy.” When “Cat’s in the Cradle” comes on the radio, you fall to pieces and everyone in your office hears you crying the ugly cry. Your kid is sick every other week from all the germs at daycare and your boss makes you feel like crap for missing work to take care of her. You end up using all your vacation days getting thrown up on in the pediatrician’s office. Everyone in your house gets lice. Twice. You’re so exhausted that you can’t accomplish anything and you feel like you’re failing as a parent and as an employee. You secretly worry that you’re making the wrong decision.
In the end, only one universal truth remains: You’re going to doubt yourself no matter what you do, but whatever decision you make is probably the best one for your particular family. Also, eventually everyone gets lice. That’s another universal truth but not necessarily one anyone ever talks about.
PS: If you’re a working mom still pissed off about the sick-kid study, then you need to take a deep breath and calm down. Yes, the study implies that children of working moms are four times more likely to be poisoned but that doesn’t mean you’re the one poisoning them. Honestly, who has the time? I barely have time to cook dinner at night, much less plan a poisoning. My guess is that your children are being poisoned by stay-at-home moms who are retaliating after having discovered that you are secretly encouraging your sick children to lick all the playground equipment just to level the sick-kid playing field. Honestly, I can’t say I blame them.
PPS: Dear media: The paragraph right above this one? That’s how you start a mommy-war."
http://thestir.cafemom.com/baby/116998/lesson_12_working_moms_vs?fb_ref=post_bottom&fb_source=home_multiline
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Fulfilled Promises
For the past few weeks, I have bored you with my thoughts of the day and promised to soon post pictures of our dinner-party adventures and Spence. That promise is finally being fulfilled. As background, in larger cities, a trendy, new restaurant concept has emerged. They're called "underground restaurants." Basically, once a month, a well-known chef holds a restaurant "underground" - either in someone's home or a cool location around the city. The patrons don't know the location or menu until hours before the event - and you never know who you will see while you're there. We're fortunate that the "underground chef" in St. Louis is Jarrod's good friend from high school & college.
So, early last month, we got a call asking if he could host March's underground dinner at our house. Without a single picture hung and no realy furniture to speak of, we agreed. For the next few weeks, I frantically hung pictures, cleaned (okay - hired a cleaning lady), and planted flowers - all in anticipation of having 20-30 people on both Friday and Saturday nights dine at our house. The weekend finally came and this is what St. Louis brought me:
Needless to say, my pansies had seen better days and my spring-themed decorations seemed slightly out of place. However, the dinner was a success. We cleared out to Jarrod's parents Friday night and stayed to enjoy the dinner on Saturday. The menu is ALWAYS adventurous yet incredibly tasty. This time was no different.
In addition to the dinner party, we've been creating our own dinners lately. Spence's favorite is to make pizza which everyone's favorite too(including the dog - who gets to eat the mess)!
Finally, we come to the biggest fulfilled promise: Easter! Spence isn't quite getting the actual reason for the Easter celebration but really what 2 year old (or 80 year old really) can truly grasp that concept. Our easter egg hunt was rained out on Saturday so instead we decorated our own eggs.
Spence is at an incredibly fun age. He's sweet, smart, funny and yet completely rotten. The longer we have just him, the harder the thought of #2 becomes! :) The next month is ridiculously busy - with work travelling, Clint's graduation, beach vacation, and more! So, prepare yourself for more of my thoughts because downloading pictures is exhausting. Love to you all! The Taylor Trio
So, early last month, we got a call asking if he could host March's underground dinner at our house. Without a single picture hung and no realy furniture to speak of, we agreed. For the next few weeks, I frantically hung pictures, cleaned (okay - hired a cleaning lady), and planted flowers - all in anticipation of having 20-30 people on both Friday and Saturday nights dine at our house. The weekend finally came and this is what St. Louis brought me:
Needless to say, my pansies had seen better days and my spring-themed decorations seemed slightly out of place. However, the dinner was a success. We cleared out to Jarrod's parents Friday night and stayed to enjoy the dinner on Saturday. The menu is ALWAYS adventurous yet incredibly tasty. This time was no different.
In addition to the dinner party, we've been creating our own dinners lately. Spence's favorite is to make pizza which everyone's favorite too(including the dog - who gets to eat the mess)!
Finally, we come to the biggest fulfilled promise: Easter! Spence isn't quite getting the actual reason for the Easter celebration but really what 2 year old (or 80 year old really) can truly grasp that concept. Our easter egg hunt was rained out on Saturday so instead we decorated our own eggs.
Spence is at an incredibly fun age. He's sweet, smart, funny and yet completely rotten. The longer we have just him, the harder the thought of #2 becomes! :) The next month is ridiculously busy - with work travelling, Clint's graduation, beach vacation, and more! So, prepare yourself for more of my thoughts because downloading pictures is exhausting. Love to you all! The Taylor Trio
Friday, April 8, 2011
How We Are Known
I sincerely promise to post pictures of our 2-day extraganza of a dinner party as well as Spence's most recent adventures soon. At this point, however, I've been too lazy to download any pictures to my computer. However, since I have decided that I really want this blog to be a scrapblog, of sorts, for Spence and the future Spence's, I've decided to write what's on my mind recently. I guess my hope is that, along with pictures and memories, it will be a little bit about me (Jarrod is on his own.) This might be long so feel free to move along to the next website you planned on browsing. It won't hurt my feelings (unless you're Spence and it's 2020)!
Since Spence was born, and more recently since discpline seems to be such a large part of each day, I wondered whether Spence (or future Spences) would ever really know me. Of course he would know the mother - but would he know ME as I want to be known. Would he know the sometimes ornery, sometimes funny, secretively tender-hearted (I clearly don't have self esteem issues) me? Even thought my mother is my best friend, I'm not sure I truly know her as she wants to be known. All of our experiences with one another are clouded by her being my mother - someone who I can disappoint.
In thinking of this, I realized that I sounded selfish. Especially after I realized that, in reality, I wanted Spence to know who I once was - not who I am. I wanted him to know the popular, cute, athletic, smart (I know - no self esteem issues here) 15 to 22 year old. And, I think I wanted that because the past can so easily be colored by how we wish to be seen, rather than the present which is more difficult to alter.
This past Sunday at church, our pastor spoke on the covenantal relationship. He began by noting that God's covenant as outlined in the Old Testament is not with us individually but rather with "His people." And, that our relationship with those other individuals affects our covenant relationship with Him. Then, he began to discuss the covenant we have with God as outlined in the New Testament. Specifically, he discussed that now, we have a covenant representative - Jesus - who stands between His people and God. And, what's incredible about having Jesus as our representative is that the view God sees of us has been washed white through the forgiveness of sin. So, he doesn't see the hateful, impatient, bitter, person I somtimes feel that I am. He views me the way I wish to be seen.
Anyway, I found it all so convicting because, in a sense, I have always hoped that by Spence understanding who I was rather than who I am, his idea of me would be washed white (idyllic) rather than realistic and, the ultimate truth is that only through Jesus can be ever be known how we wish to be known.
Since Spence was born, and more recently since discpline seems to be such a large part of each day, I wondered whether Spence (or future Spences) would ever really know me. Of course he would know the mother - but would he know ME as I want to be known. Would he know the sometimes ornery, sometimes funny, secretively tender-hearted (I clearly don't have self esteem issues) me? Even thought my mother is my best friend, I'm not sure I truly know her as she wants to be known. All of our experiences with one another are clouded by her being my mother - someone who I can disappoint.
In thinking of this, I realized that I sounded selfish. Especially after I realized that, in reality, I wanted Spence to know who I once was - not who I am. I wanted him to know the popular, cute, athletic, smart (I know - no self esteem issues here) 15 to 22 year old. And, I think I wanted that because the past can so easily be colored by how we wish to be seen, rather than the present which is more difficult to alter.
This past Sunday at church, our pastor spoke on the covenantal relationship. He began by noting that God's covenant as outlined in the Old Testament is not with us individually but rather with "His people." And, that our relationship with those other individuals affects our covenant relationship with Him. Then, he began to discuss the covenant we have with God as outlined in the New Testament. Specifically, he discussed that now, we have a covenant representative - Jesus - who stands between His people and God. And, what's incredible about having Jesus as our representative is that the view God sees of us has been washed white through the forgiveness of sin. So, he doesn't see the hateful, impatient, bitter, person I somtimes feel that I am. He views me the way I wish to be seen.
Anyway, I found it all so convicting because, in a sense, I have always hoped that by Spence understanding who I was rather than who I am, his idea of me would be washed white (idyllic) rather than realistic and, the ultimate truth is that only through Jesus can be ever be known how we wish to be known.
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