Not What My Hands Have Done

Although I have many fun, exciting things to blog about since this weekend was Spence's birthday, this post is solely about me. The fun stuff will follow later this week.

While hanging out with friends several days ago, Jarrod said that my blog was "deep." He clearly has only read 1 post - as 99% of my blog is for our family far away who desire to see more pictures/updates of Spence. So, in order to live up to his expectations (and today is our anniversary), I give you my recently thoughts. They are, perhaps, more personal than intended and would better be in a journal. However, since I don't journal and I'm not about to figure out a way to privately blog, they're placed on here.

This weekend, my mom said I was emotionally lazy. I think my family often times feel as if I allow Jarrod to run the show not by outwardly agreeing with his decisions but, instead, by failing to express my own. Perhaps it's true. I took her comment to heart and believe it to be accurate. I'm not sure when it started - my lack of desire to be emotionally invested - but it's absolutely happened. I worry that my desire to work is not because I want to work but, rather, I find being a stay-at-home mom so much more emotionally exhausting. I worry that I am racking up bitterness toward Jarrod by allowing our decisions (to move, for example) to becomes ours because I'm too emotionally lazy to exprses my own.

It's weird to type that I coward at emotions given that I have absolutely no trouble being a bitch. Cut me off in traffic and watch out. Mention anything that might be "deeper" than I want to go and I shut down.

Anyway, in thinking about it more recently, I realized that my laziness is an overreaction to being hurt/devastated by the consequences of my decisions in the past. In fact, I think I'm terrified that one brick removed from the wall might cause such a flood that the banks overflow. As I think of many of my friends, I feel that some are right there with me. Perhaps I surround myself with people that don't pry too much, who value facades, and don't desire genuine honesty! :) I'm clearly not talking about you (whoever you are). I live my life with the facade that I am overly honest and, in truth, I am - but only about the eternally unimportant things.

That being said, Jarrod and I have fallen in love with a poem/song that really speaks to my desire to be- that I be emotionally PRESENT in the lives of I love - by admitting my brokenness and accepting the grace He brings. I recommend a listen: www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogV7Xpn0-3Y.

Love from Lindsay